I was surprised by fear last night.
In the brittle cold I sped down the freeway as fear caught
up with me and settled right down into my heart. I was taking my daughter to the
emergency room. I couldn’t get her stubborn fever down. We were sitting at
104.7 when I called the clinic and they said, go.
Numb typically takes over in the expanse between my small
town and the sprawling complex of the children’s hospital. Forty minutes of
numb, which stretches into several hours of numb while I wait for doctors to treat
whichever child happens to require the extra care.
This time, numb didn’t come. Fear did. And that was new for
me.
When I feel fear, I feel small. I feel alone, like I’ve done
something wrong; like I am not being strong enough.
But I decided to refuse “strong”. I also refused “understanding”.
I let fear come, and I invited Abba to come. And I let a
friend know I was scared, so I wouldn’t feel alone (that felt a bit silly, but
I knew it was what I needed to do).
One moment at a time, I stayed present, for my daughter,
with the little girl inside me so close. Fear helped me know how miserably
ill she was. Fear helped me be moved to compassion. Fear helped me
know to rub her back or stroke her hair. Fear showed me to hold on tight to her
hand when the needles came, and to keep holding tight when they were gone.
This too was new.
So often, my offered comfort has been
forced and I always had to guess at what a loving Mom should do. I was usually angered by the required effort. Then I felt guilty on top of that. To be present
in the fear allowed me to be present in the comforting. It allowed the little
girl in me to be comforted too.
I have despised this little girl in me for her weak
emotions.
Now I am learning how this little girl’s emotions are a gift that
will make me strong.
The Lord is calling the lost parts of me home. As I invite
Him to come, He invites them to come.
In this, I celebrate Advent in a way I
never have.
This too is new.
I'm linking up with:
Bonnie Gray at Faith Jam
beautiful Karin
ReplyDeleteit is like you have spoken the words from the heart of another Karin, me!
yes, it i in the pain and the fear and the "real" that we are able to comfort others
Karin, it can be really hard to see our weaknesses as a gift. Yet they bring us close to the Father's heart as we lean in hard for the support and comfort which only He can give us. I love how God used the very thing you despised in yourself to bring comfort to your daughter in her time of need. That little girl sits close to the surface for most of us and it doesn't take much for the frightened child to emerge. And when she does, we find Abba's arms reaching out to hold and envelop us with His love. We find grace and mercy for our every need. We find a Saviour who whispers soft, "Come to Me", and eases our aching hearts when we do.
ReplyDeleteMay this be a season when you draw close to Him as He draws close to you and your loved ones. Every blessing :) xx